Special Day

November 1st is a special day to us. It’s my husband’s birthday, but since last year (2013) it is and always will be that bit more special to us 🙂

1 year ago today we both were extremely nervous, as it was the day of the blood test at our fertility clinic. A few days before that we had our second embryo transfered via frozen transfer within our IVF procedure – and November 1st was the day to find out if our Snowflake actually cuddled up inside my belly.

I remember the phone call to the fertility clinic in the afternoon, calling in for the results of the blood test. My hands were shaking so much, and there was a fluttering in my chest that made it difficult to breathe. When I first called, I got told that the right person to tell the results was currently not at the phone and I should just call back in another 15 minutes or so. It felt like torture.

Those 15 minutes went by so slow, but at the same time I got more and more nervous with every minute closer to my second call-in. I thought I could not take much more of this and when I called again, the right person to tell me our result was at the phone, looking up my numbers (another few seconds that seemed like an eternity)…And then I heard the words that changed our lives:

“Congratulation Mrs. 🙂 – You are pregnant! (Beta hcG 624)”

It was the best birthday present for my husband, ever! Today he looked at our little girl sleeping and said: “It is my favourite birthday present this year, too” ❤

I baked chocolate chip mini muffins with white chocolate and sprinkles on top for the occasion 🙂

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If I would rule…『blogtober 2014』

On this 11th day of blogtober 2014, I’m here to take on a bigger role…;)

If you were president….
Well, in Germany were I live the equivalent of the president (such as the one of the US) would be the chancellor. So if I would be chancellor of Germany…

  • I would cut down the parliamentary allowance, the pay & perks of our politicians. One should get paid for their work, I agree. But one shouldn’t get money stuffed up their bottoms so much that their blood turns from red to green (if you know what I mean). There shouldn’t be such a huge gap between someone who makes good money from a good job position and the ridiculous amount of money our politicians are making only for getting up in the morning.
  • I would not put any added value/sales tax on pharmaceuticals and medication. This one comes from personal experience. While getting fertility treatment to try and conceive our child, all the medication I had to get (fertility drugs, pills, self-injections etc.) added up to a huge amount of money, obviously. When I looked at our bills I realized that it could have been one third less expensive if there wouldn’t have been any sales tax. So I thought: “huh,…interesting. The politicians always say we need more children to be born, yet they make a load of cash off of my infertility and treatment to have a child. That doesn’t seem helpful or nice!” And lets face it, it’s not only fertility treatment, it’s every medical treatment that isn’t  and additional medication on which we (in Germany) have to pay 19% sales tax. NINETEEN PERCENT! Anyone who has to fight a medical battle or an illness should not be punished on top of that with sales tax on medicine they need!
  • I would make it a law, that every issue concerning the state of Germany and/or its citizens is decided on by a referendum. Thus, putting a lot more “democracy” back in our political system. Why are we, the people not getting a say-so in the big decisions, yet have to carry them financially? That doesn’t seem fair to me. Neighbouring countries such as Switzerland have a lot more referendum-decisions and it works just fine, plus the people feel a little more part of the decision- & law-making process. So I say: more power to the people!

Halloween IF grumpy cat reappears!『blogtober 2014』

Yesterday we went to the future (kind of), and today it’s throw-back-thursday for blogtober 2014 !

Your best or worst Halloween memory #TBT
Halloween is actually not that big of a thing here in Germany where I live, so I don’t really have specific memories for that special last day of October. I’m also someone who is frightened easily, and get a little heart attack everytime someone comes into the room a little too quiet for me to notice right away. I guess that makes me a bit of a Halloween fail.

BUT…there is one thing I get excited about when it comes to Halloween: PUMPKINS! I do enjoy the “pumpkin season” and love to see carved pumpkins and such. Last year, I took part in the “IF Pumpkin Smackdown 2013″ and actually carved a pumpkin myself for the first time. It was so much fun!
I carved an ‘Infertility Grumpy Cat’-pumpkin and you can see my blog post with pictures of it HERE. A little halloween-throw-back-sneak-peak
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I was on my two-week-wait back then after my frozen embryo transfer and it was such a good distraction from worrying and thinking about whether it will lead to a positive pregnancy test. Little did I know that our IVF miracle was actually already getting comfy in my belly and with us for this years Halloween. It’s definitely a memorable Halloween memory of mine.

When I started blogging…『blogtober 2014』

Here we go with day 6 of the blogtober 2014 event.

10 Things you’d tell yourself when you started blogging
As stated in yesterdays blog post, I’m not one to make a list of things I want to accomplish in a certain time span. Hence I couldn’t give you a list of 10 things that I told myself when I started this blog. I don’t even think I really did tell myself something back then.

I started this blog as a place to post random musings, to ramble on about various thoughts running through my mind. Back then I was dealing with Endometriosis based infertility and our IVF-journey. It was a really difficult time, where I myself realized I was on the verge of not being able to cope with it all that well. Luckily, our second IVF cycle (the first frozen transfer attempt) our little snowflake decided to stick with us and is smiling at me now in her sleep as I type this 🙂

During that difficult time and the pregnancy that followed I did a bunch of crafty things: crochet, knitting, cross stitch. (You can see all my posts in the handmade category here). So my blog became more of a crafty picture type of thing.
And now I want to get back into writing a bit more in my entries, which is why I participate in this blogtober14 event.

 

 

 

Finally…in our arms ♥ Baby Album cover art

After a long journey, struggling with infertility due to Endometriosis, going through fertility treatments (IVF), our “Snowflake” from a frozen transfer stuck with us . Finally, in the early hours of July 18th, 2014 we were able to hold our precious daughter in our arms!

We are overflown with joy and excitement of what each new day brings and love to cuddly with our “Snowflake”. As she turns 1 week old today – I want to show you what I did to her Baby album cover (I went all crafty before birth to pass the waiting time). You see, she also has been given a ‘real’ name, obviously 😉

BABY ALBUM (front cover)

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I cross stitched her name ‘Nanami’ as well as some little decorational motives. The “subtitle” reads: Little summer snowflake. To add some playfulness I took buttons and just randomly put them on there as well. The crochet border is supposed to add some summer-vibes.

FRONT COVER INSIDE

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On the inside of the front cover I put a cross stitch owl family and in Japanese it says “Papa, Mama, Nanami” above their heads. I wrote down the lyrics of a song that just speaks right from our heart.

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The pages inside which we hope to fill with lots of photos are of different length because I put the same type of crochet border on each page as the front cover has. It’s just more vibrant and cheery that way I thought 🙂

On the inside of the BACK COVER I put the seasonal owls that I already posted a while ago on my blog here

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On our choice of name – NANAMI

It’s a name of Japanese origin that is usually written in simple Hiragana ななみ without having a meaning. If it is written in Kanji like this: 七海 it has the meaning of ‘seven seas.’ (To hear the pronounciation CLICK HERE )

We like to interpret the meaning of the Kanji as “Cosmopolitan”, because the “7 seas” go all around the world. We want our Snowflake to go wherever she wants to go in this world & have her discover the various, different, unique parts of the world on her own way. By that, we not only think of the geographical world, but also the different, colorful cultures, lifestyles, life plans people have (i.e. a couple = not just man/woman etc).

In that sense^^^^we hopefully manage to raise our girl to be an open-minded, cosmopolite person who will be able to live a colorful life with her very own mind ❤

 

 

 

Waiting for Hope

‘to wait’ can be one of the most strenuous actions one has to go through, even though you don’t really DO anything when waiting for something to happen.

I have to wait for my official blood test after a Frozen Embryo Transfer right now, but it doesn’t matter what you’re waiting for really…just ‘having to wait for something’ itself can be the hardest thing to do.

One Moment you have hope, thinking: everything will end well – the next moment you lose that slowly built up hope within seconds, because something happened to cause you to lose it, or maybe even just a gut feeling tells you: it’s all lost.

Right now I AM in a situation where I just broke out in tears because something has crashed my hope (that I worked so hard to built up) within a second. Then I remembered this quote that I read in the morning:

Waiting with hope is very difficult, but true patience is expressed when we must even wait for hope. I will have reached the point of greatest strength once I have learned to wait for hope.
– George Matheson

I’ve been through the difficult time of waiting WITH hope, and now I must even wait FOR hope to maybe come back. I have calmed down and will try to strengthen my mind & learn to wait for hope.

It’s Halloween – time for ‘Infertility Grumpy Cat’ !!

For this year’s Halloween, I decided to do something I have never done before: I carved a pumpkin!
Not only that, but I carved a ‘special’ Halloween pumpkin, which I want to enter in the “IF Pumpkin Smackdown 2013”.

I decided to do an ‘Infertility Grumpy Cat’ – Pumpkin, because on Halloween, she can celebrate her grumpy-face & hopefully scare the hell out of Infertility – take that, sucker!…ahem…okay, first things first: here’s how it all went down.

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I spent about 4-5 hours (!!) working that pumpkin, but everytime I look at that face now…*snickers*…it makes me smile & I feel happy like a child – which makes this a total success for me (^_^)

And now, I proudly present: My ‘Infertility Grumpy Cat’ – Halloween Pumpkin

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Look at that face!! She’s fierce, and she is grumpy!! She bares her teeth and snarls at infertility saying: “Suck it & go to hell, where my face shall haunt you until the end of time, meaowahahahahah!!!” Or something along those lines…

Now, I’m not a big fan of wasting food, so I decided to make a Pumpkin-Curry-Coconut Soup & roast the pumpkin seeds, because they are full of good stuff like iron, vitamins omega-3 fatty acids and many things more.

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

We do make pretty blastocysts

We had our 1st Frozen Embryo/Blastocyst Transfer and now I’m on the dreaded 2-week-wait with a little “snowflake” on board. It all went smooth and we felt just as excited as we did with our first fresh transfer. Hoping >SO< much that this one sticks & keeps growing for the whole 9 month.

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It’s quite fascinating for me to look at this picture – not just because this hopefully is our baby, but also because I’m fascinated to be able to see it at this stage – all thanks to modern science!! We all looked like this little bundle of cells, but very few of us get to have a snapshot of themselves at this stage. Don’t get me wrong, if I could choose, I’d reather be superfertile over having this picture any day, but that’s not the case so I’m enjoying the little things like getting to see a glimpse of awesome. The lab-lady and my doctor both commented on how beautiful developed the blastocyst looked.

Fertiles and other people are often quick to brag, saying “we do make pretty babies”…So I’m taking the liberty to brag and say “We do make pretty blastocysts” , yea!!!

It was just a cluster of cells, but it was OUR cluster of cells!

Today is October 15th – world wide Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

So of course I do think a lot about my very early miscarriage back in August after our first round of IVF. I’ve had people trying to tell me it’s not really a miscarriage since there was no embryo that had a visible head, body, limbs etc. I thought about it a lot ever since it happened, so much that at one point I almost doubted there was ANYTHING at all.

But I still have the pregnancy tests with the lines…the lines getting a tiny bit darker with each test and then the last stick with almost no line visible anymore. I can’t count how many times I’ve looked at those, just to tell myself: “YES, there WAS something!” Yes, it was just a cluster of cells, but damnit…it was OUR cluster of cells and it had our genetic material that was already combined, dividing itself into material that babies are made of. And it’s called an Embryo the moment a fertilized egg starts dividing and developing.

So by now – we are about to start our 2nd round (FET) in this crazy journey – I can say without a doubt in my mind, that I WAS PREGNANT even if for just a few days & I suffered an early miscarriage and I’m not calling it any other names than that!

For anyone who sufferes a pregnancy loss, it doesn’t matter at what stage the embryo was, IT IS A LOSS.

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Credit: great comic drawn by the illustrator Paula Knight – it’s right on the spot.She does so many awesome illustrations & comics, so be sure to visit her site: http://paulaknight.wordpress.com/

already in my heart – someday in my arms

Endometriosis based Infertility.

Those are the cards we’ve been dealt. Slowly and over time we learned to play with those cards, just so to keep us in the game. There is always a change of players at the table – nobody can play without (medical) help. Some players have what I came to call “Beginners luck” and can leave the game table quite soon with a happy and relieved smile on their faces.

I try my hardest to send them off with a smile, because I am happy they got through the game so fast! It’s every players dream: go in, play your cards, beat the infertility bank and leave with the precious prize & the glow of someone “expecting”.

I would have to cheat lie if I’d say that it doesn’t hurt a bit in my heart to see a player leave the table. I could dwell on that feeling and give it ground to grow on. Instead I turn around, eyes back on the game table, the cards in my hand and I keep on playing with one thought in mind:

I will not lose to the infertility bank – I will be a mother !